During a recent retreat I asked my Zen teacher about living and dying, specifically, “how do I prepare for dying?”. Practical as always, he suggested I engage in an ongoing contemplation: “Your doctor inform you that you have 12 months to live. How will you live this remaining time? What needs to be done? How will it look and feel like when the day comes — where and under what circumstances will death come? Will you be alone? What of the moment of death, the last breath? And afterwards, without the capacity to act, no longer in the body, ‘looking down’ as it were? What’ll happen to the body? And then, a year later, two years, five years, a hundred years?”
I remember bowing, leaving the little room where we’d met, and returning to the meditation hall. Stunned. My chest felt tight and tighter: panic of another heart attack. My vision blurred, spinning as if the engine had stopped and I was coasting downhill, unable to steer. I felt like collapsing in a heap of despair. No, you can’t do that, the voice of reason, you’d disturb the others. But … but …
Just then a saying came to mind, something the teacher had told us the day before, lines to recite in the face of adversity: “Thank you very much. I have no complaints.”
Instantly chest pain vanished, fog lifted, helplessness softened. Looking straight ahead, sitting upright and alert, attention shifted from Poor Me to this moment, this in-breath and this out-breath. What an undertaking: to engage each moment wholeheartedly, meet fears head on, welcome whatever comes. “Thank you very much. I have no complaints.”
Thank you. I have no complaints … Very helpful!
I have followed your posts since the Inspire Health online meditations that you led … How timely this is for me to remember, “Thank you very much. I have no complaints.” Blessings to you.
Indeed, yes, dear p, exactly so. This brings tears of remembrance. Condolences for your pain. And the hope that when your contemplations are completed, that you’ll return to living joyfully, each day as you are gifted.
I hope all is okay. The title of your Dec 7 post is causing me concern. Although the message is excellent and serves as a simple reminder to be thankful for all that I have, I hope there is no underlying message in the title concerning your personal health.
dear friends, all is OK, thank you for writing.
It’s gradually sinking in that health and happiness are constructs of the wishful mind. We know that there’s no Santa Claus — although most of us were once convinced of his magic and later learned that he was just make-believe. Yet the assumption that illness and old age are fixable continue to guide us, even when experience tells us otherwise.
Peter, I was a little alarmed, just now, when I read this. My heart too tightened in compassion for your moment. So blessed are you that you are able to gather wisdom and relief from so few words. I dearly hope that you are okay and that you will grace us with your presence on this earth for many, many years to come.
I believe in you.