Ever since I mentioned it a week ago, the koan, “there is nothing I dislike” has entered my awareness. This took (and continues to take) effort since living on automatic pilot has become the norm. Then something happened. In a dream last night, I was unable to catch a train that was pulling out of the station. With my belongings aboard, not making it was out of the question. Worry, panic, fear! No matter how hard I tried to move, the train gained speed and distance.
I’ve dreamed versions of this scenario many times over the years and never once managed to make it. Inevitably, I’d wake up, feeling helpless, abandoned, and incompetent. But last night was different. There I was, once more running as fast as I could without gaining an inch. About to collapse into disappointment (“not liking” in terms of the koan), I sensed a presence, urging me to stop trying so hard. “Why not let it this one go,” he suggested. “and look! someone’s waiving to you from the train. Everything seems to be all right.” I stopped running while the train kept on going. I woke up, grinning, and my first thought went to the koan. There is nothing I dislike.
Looking for guidance on working with koans, I found this recorded talk by Allison Atwill. A koan teacher and visual artist, she bases her work on intense and embodied interactions with koans. The way she describes it, a koan chooses her and begins to show her the images as she paints. The placement of the image in the painting and even the size of the piece are also part of her conversation with the koan. Included are birds, canyons, snakes, people, anything in the world that comes to meet her when she is in the field of the koan. In this talk she explores the possibility of experiencing this moment without relying on our own will, our own plans and efforts, but to step into it with nothing in our hands.
Allison Atwill,”Relying on the moment” July 13,2013 from Pacific Zen Institute on Vimeo.
Comment by Peter’s Zen teacher at Great Vow Zen Monastery. Posted here with permission.
“This is good work. It is a very important step when a koan gets into us so deeply that we work on it in dreams. As you go forward I suggest you ponder this koan without having any idea of how it might be resolved – nor any idea of what is waiting for you. That kind of idea, as you know, is just the grasping mind trying to sneak in again. ‘Not knowing is most intimate’ as you embrace everything.” Much love, Hogen
p.s. In that last sentence, Hogen refers to a koan from the Book of Serenity, a collection of 100 koans compiled by a Chinese ch’an (Zen) master in the early 12th century:
Teacher asked monk, “Where are you going?”
Monk said, “Around on pilgrimage.”
Teacher asked, “What is the purpose of pilgrimage?”
Monk said, “Don’t know.”
Teacher said, “Not knowing is most intimate.”